THE DAY MY DAUGHTER WENT POSTAL & OTHER LESSONS FOR ME
Two days ago, while I was in Santa Barbara testing for yet another hopeful job, my 4 year old Nevaeh blew a gasket. It was her first time at the dentist. Enough said. The surprise came however in her behavior. She completely flipped out. Her fear of someone sticking their hands in her mouth as she sat helplessly overtook her and everyone became her enemy, even mommy. Nina told me that she couldn’t believe our sweet hearted, gentle, even timid baby girl flipped a switch like a star in a horror film, but at that moment she went postal. Nina’s discipline threats, which normally is enough to strike fear into her tender heart, didn’t even phase her. She couldn’t believe that her mommy who is supposed to protect and defend her could let this happen. So Nevaeh, thinking all things were against her, in fear, flipped out. She knows how We find ourselves as parents wondering, why doesn’t she trust us when we know what we’re doing. Herein lay a lesson for me.
My daughter’s lack of trust in her parents to not forsake her in danger, but instead to freak out and give into fear, forgetting that we know what is best for her is a lesson for me. The day before the dentist incident, though not outwardly or angrily, I kinda started to flip a switch as well. Waves of doubt crashed over me as yet more rejection from jobs came, and as the apt we thought was ours came into doubt (they want proof of income-without having a job), and as I realized I’m now in month 5 of trying to find a job in the Santa Barbara county. I didn’t outwardly or angrily flip out, but in my mind with my head in my hands, I spoke out loud to God, “what are you doing? I am sooo sick of looking for a job, trying to figure out how we are going to make it work. My response the the Lord was somewhat like, “God, here I quit my job, trusting you to provide, and my insurance is up at the end of this month. How will I get my wife and kids to the doctor if needed? I’m so tired of looking for work. We are supposed to have moved already and here we are, in boxes and suitcases still, and probably will be for another month. What are you doing (fist pounding on desk)?”
Having been in this place before (taking steps of faith), yet maybe not with kids on the line, you would think that I would’ve learned not to succumb to doubt, fear, frustration. Times like these expose my idols, and my self-sufficiency. As my friend says, “It’s all about the process.” Just embrace it and don’t fight against it. Just know it’s weird and difficult but enjoy the process and roll with it.” That is good advice, spoken like a true surfer. The problem is I am a grappler, by sport and at heart. I don’t roll with things well, I like to try to fight it. I guess that is what I am learning through this. How to roll with what God is doing, trusting Him, and enjoying Him and His gifts the whole way. As Steven Seamands explains in his book Ministry In The Image of God:
“I have found that God is always faithful and His mission is accomplished through me when I step out in faith and take risks. However, often the very success engendered by taking risks for God makes it difficult to risk again afterward…taking risks as I seek to participate in God’s mission never seems to get easier. Even though God has proved himself faithful in the past and has blessed my steps of risk obedience, I am always scared. I worry about the outcome and what other people will think. It seems as if every time I let go and reach for the new trapeze bar God is sending toward me, I have to let go of all the reputation and security and success I’ve accumulated up to that Point! So I always have to overcome doubts and fears.”
Why can’t my daughter trust me when we say she is going to be fine at the dentist? Why can’t she trust me when I say, “jump to me” in the pool. Doesn’t she know that I would bleed myself dry before letting anything happen to her. Why would she instead freak out? Why hasn’t she come to understand our track record as parents who love her and do what’s best for her. Why? Because she is like me. What is cool is that she is growing. Just yesterday she jumped to me in the water without a fuss. And what is cool is that by God’s grace he is taking me and you from glory to greater glory. And he will finish the job. Children are a blessing from the Lord-for many reasons.
